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MORALE WAS DOWN
IN THE BLOOD

Dear Nook Owners, I Haven't Forgotten About You

Amazon dominates the ebook market, so naturally I focused my efforts initially on getting my books available there to reach the widest audience possible. All my novels and short stories are currently available on Amazon and for one quick easy link, you can go to my Author Page to see.

From the get-go, I made sure to offer all my stories DRM-free. Said another way, even if you didn't own a Kindle, you could still buy the books through Amazon and then read them on whatever device you chose.

But readers have asked that the books be available through other outlets for a number of reasons (file conversion is annoying, they want to support this store or that store, etc.) and I'm excited to say that two of my stories are available electronically through Barnes & Noble now.

Get The Hysteria on your Nook

Get Morale Was Down on your Nook

This is an experiment of sorts to see if the readers I pick up through B&N more than make up for the loss of borrows through the Kindle Unlimited program (which requires books be exclusive with Amazon). Only time will tell but I wanted to let all you Nook readers out there know I haven't forgotten about you!

Effective Immediately

GET IT HERE

Almost Effective Immediately: You Can Purchase Effective Immediately

Effective Immediately

This is the second short story in (what will hopefully be) my Close of Business trilogy. If you enjoyed Morale Was Down, there is a 35% to 80% likelihood you’ll also like this one.

The Vice President needs your help with not one, but two mysteries. Neither of which you are qualified in any way to solve. You think this is going to be another hurry-the-hell-up-clock Friday, but you’re wrong.

Today you actually have your work cut out for you.

Effective Immediately is a ~17,000 word short story that further, redundantly, and repetitively, explores the utter absurdity of office life.

RATED VERY R

Amazon link will be available tomorrow

Grab Your FREE COPY of MORALE WAS DOWN

Free on Amazon today and tomorrow, here's what early reviewers have to say about Morale Was Down:

"This is, without a doubt, the most profane and utterly hilarious short story I've read in a very long time."

"And you read it again. And again. Because "Morale Is Down" is so funny. And so realistic, like your own office. And that writing style of Ronan's is so fast paced and breezy and tongue in cheek that it even gets the Amazon reviewer to write a review in that exact same style."

"This is a quick, fun read while traveling on the Metro heading to your office. You'll open the office doors, step in, and resolve to improve the morale by telling a story ... this story."

"Oh hey, looking for gifts for your cubicle friends? Need something for the office white elephant exchange? Have friends who still talk about the movie, The Office? They will get a chuckle out of "Morale Was Down.""

"We get to follow a hapless middle manager turned sleuth as he tries to use techniques he learned from TV crime shows to grill suspect coworkers. Will he solve this crime wave before COB? You will certainly enjoy a few laughs as he blunders along."

"I have to say that it was the funniest book that I have read!"

"Hilarious short story that reminded me a bit of the movies Office Space and Clockwatchers. Nice spoof of an investigation, with all the ridiculous office politics and corporate banalities mixed in. Quick read!"

"I defy anyone to sit thru a reading of this story without soiling themselves laughing."

Readers Like It...So I'm Going To Release A Sequel

Thanks for all the great reviews of Morale Was Down so far. I wrote it for a pretty wide audience--anyone that's ever worked in an office. I've really enjoyed swapping work "horror" stories with early readers, so please keep those coming, either to my email (ronaniswriting@gmail.com) or here, on this blog.

So, without further ado, I'd like to announce that the sequel, Effective Immediately, will be out soon. Hopefully this month, or next month, or early next year, or maybe later next year. Right after I get done some work.

But seriously, I hope to have the sequel out before the end of the year. Stay tuned and happy reading.

The Accused and the Damned - Available Tomorrow

First, a big thank you to everyone that has pre-ordered The Accused and the Damned!

Second, just as big a thank you to everyone that has taken the time to review my Eddie McCloskey books on Amazon and Goodreads. The reviews (see here and here) have been very thoughtful and detailed, so I know they'll help potential readers make an informed decision.

Third, I thought I'd give you a little background on the series and TAATD because it's out tomorrow.

STOP READING NOW TO AVOID MINOR SPOILERS

When it comes to fictional characters, some slowly evolve over the course of a series (Travis McGee) while others remain the same (Jack Reacher). Each approach has its benefits--the McGee and Reacher series include some of my favorite books of all time--but for Eddie McCloskey I wanted to develop a character that significantly changed over time so that each story presented a new personal challenge

for him. In this way, readers get the opportunity to see him grow or even grow along with him.

In The Unearthed, you could argue that Tim is the main character in the story, or even that the story is more an ensemble piece (and I could see both points). When I finished the book and considered where to go next, I thought Eddie had the most interesting backstory and the most room to grow out of all the characters. So I made the decision to shift the focus of the series to Eddie.

In The Lost, I made things as difficult as possible for Eddie from a personal standpoint. He's forced into the biggest investigation of his life, without anyone from his old team, without any equipment, with one rookie assistant who wants to find something, and his every step is being watched by the entire town, including the man who hired him. To further complicate matters, Eddie uncovers evidence that points in both directions: that the phenomena are paranormal in nature or that they could have rational explanations. So he's forced to peel back layer-after-layer of fact and deceit to get to the truth. Along the way, the story also becomes a murder mystery. To top it all off, an old enemy is coming to take his revenge on Eddie.

In The Accused and the Damned, Eddie is at a professional crossroads. He's started his own business but the bills are piling up and things are not looking good. At the same time, his conscience forces him to take a charity (and career-threatening) case for an old friend. Already faced with an impossible task--to prove a ghost killed someone--Eddie then must square off against a TV personality with a national following in the strangest murder trial the state has ever seen. Want to know where I got the idea for this story? CHECK THIS OUT.

***

Please keep the reviews coming. I take feedback very seriously and use it to continuously improve my writing.

Thanks and happy reading!

Hilarious Review of Morale Was Down

Normally I'll pull one or two quotes out of a review when posting here or on Facebook to give readers a general sense of the reviewer's thoughts. But last night I read one of the funniest and most creative reviews I've ever encountered.

Big thank you to Steve from Silver Screen Videos for taking the time to craft this postmodern (!) review-within-a-short story written in the second person. Steve is an expert on all things cinema, so if you're a movie buff make sure to check out his website as well. (We had a brief chat over email, for example, during which he pointed me to an early noir film shot entirely from a first person POV!)

Here is Steve's unabridged review of Morale Was Down:

"NOTE: The author graciously provided me with a copy of this book and requested that I write a review.

You're at work one day wondering how to kill the hour you have left until you go to lunch. You could start work on that big project the boss gave you but you realize you won't be able to figure out what's going on until lunch time anyway so you might as well not start. You've checked your e-mail and your Twitter account and your Facebook page and your e-mail again and there's nothing new. And you've gone past your boss's office for coffee three times already this morning and you don't want to give him any ideas that you're spending time at the coffee machine instead of working on that project you've told him is well under way even though you won't even look at it until after lunch. Then you remember that story called "Morale Was Down" by Evan Ronan that you bought on Amazon primarily because some guy wrote a review in the second person that he claimed was just like the style of the story and he said it was about an office just like the lousy one you work at and it's about a boss who's just like your lousy boss.

Anyway, you remember that according to the review, one of the employees brought in a Stromboli for lunch and then said someone stole it. So the big boss at the company orders the jerk of a middle manager boss who's just like the lousy middle manager boss you work for to find the Stromboli because it will help morale at the office, which had been down lately. And, according to the review, the boss spends most of the day looking for the Stromboli except when he gets distracted, which happens a lot just like you get distracted a lot when you're at work. So, you say, what the heck, you might as well spend that hour reading "Morale Was Down" and then saying you were doing research on improving your leadership skills.

And you start to read and you start to think this guy Evan Ronan really knows what it's like to work in an office. And his descriptions of all the different types of employees sound just like the ones you work with, only funnier. And that story. Wow, that boss is even lazier and knows more ways to waste time than you do (of course, you take notes in case you ever have to use some of these tricks). The boss in the story also takes notes but they're not very good notes, and, in fact, most of what he does to figure out what happened to the Stromboli doesn't work out too well either.

So you start to grin. Then you giggle. Then you giggle some more. Then you burst out laughing when that guy Ronan writes about the fake Amber Alert reporting the missing Stromboli that someone posts on the refrigerator door. And that's when you decide this guy Ronan really knows what it's like to work in an office, and his description of office politics is quite astute and hilariously funny to boot. If fact, it's funnier than the cat video you watched six times on YouTube this morning.

And before you realize what's happening, you've finished the story and you look around and everyone's gone off to lunch except for that one guy who's staring at you wondering just which cat video you're looking at that's so funny. So you put your Kindle away and decide that since you've spent all that time doing research, you'll take your full lunch hour anyway. And you also decide you need to do some more research so you decide you'll read "Morale Is Down" again this afternoon instead of working on that project that's not going anywhere anyway.

And you read it again. And again. Because "Morale Is Down" is so funny. And so realistic, like your own office. And that writing style of Ronan's is so fast paced and breezy and tongue in cheek that it even gets the Amazon reviewer to write a review in that exact same style. And you realize it's just so easy to just sit back and enjoy Ronan's clever dialogue and enticing style. And that writing style will stay with you a long time because you're going to remember this story and the missing Stromboli for a long, enjoyably long time. And no matter what happens to the lousy boss in the story, you know that your morale is up, way up, and it's going to stay way up even when something really lousy happens in your real life office. Because that's just the way the story is."

Character Evolution

When I write thrillers, my main goal is to create a plot that moves at light speed. Readers that can't stop turning the pages are satisfied, and there's nothing more loyal than a satisfied reader.

Beyond that, though, I try to make my characters three-dimensional and give them a wider purpose, something that is happening to them in addition to the main events of the story. That's why Eddie McCloskey, protagonist in The Unearthed series, faces different personal challenges in each book.

HERE BE (VERY MINOR) SPOILERS SO STOP READING NOW IF YOU HATE SPOILERS

In The Unearthed, Eddie shows promise as a paranormal investigator but everyone can see where he's headed: nowhere good, and nowhere fast.

In The Lost, Eddie is a drifter trying to live a quiet existence and piece his life back together. During the course of his paranormal investigation, he is forced to take a long look in the mirror and find his greater purpose.

In The Accused and the Damned, Eddie's paranormal investigation business is struggling and the bills are piling up. He gets the opportunity to go head-to-head with a big-time talk show personality. If he succeeds, his business will thrive. If he doesn't, he has to find a new line of work.

The Hysteria poses a new challenge for Eddie: working with a team again. Except this time it's not his team and the job takes Eddie way outside his comfort zone.

BONUS OFFER: For the next month, anyone that leaves an honest review (good, bad, indifferent, doesn't matter) on Amazon of any of the Eddie McCloskey books is entitled to a free copy of my comedic short story about the absurdity of office life, Morale Was Down.

Here's what two reviewers said about Morale Was Down:

"This is, without a doubt, the most profane and utterly hilarious short story I've read in a very long time."

"Hilarious short story that reminded me a bit of the movies Office Space and Clockwatchers. Nice spoof of an investigation, with all the ridiculous office politics and corporate banalities mixed in. Quick read!"

FREE SHORT STORY

Thanks, folks, for grabbing so many free copies of The Unearthed. The book is seriously trending on Amazon right now!

The Lost is also discounted right now through Halloween.

ADDED BONUS: If you leave an honest review of The Unearthed (or its sequels) on Amazon over the next month, I'll send you a free copy of my comedic short story, Morale Was Down.

FREE Today and Tomorrow - The Unearthed

Today and tomorrow you can pick up a free copy of The Unearthed. It's a fast-moving, suspenseful read that's perfect for this time of year leading up to Halloween. In its short time on the electronic shelf, it's already gotten a lot of good reviews, including seven 5-star ones. Here's what readers are saying:

"The haunting in the book was very well done. It is also brutal, which is to be expected, considering the history of the home. There are a few twists and an unusual (but not weird or unbelievable) ending. I pretty much inhaled the book and have already started on the next one. Which, I suppose, is about the highest compliment you can give to an author."

"Ronan's characters are beautifully realized and the dialogue always rings true. The banter between the brothers Tim and Eddie is especially effective. This is Book I of an Eddie McCloskey trilogy. I look forward to reading Books II and III. Evan Ronan is a welcome new voice in the paranormal genre. I can unreservedly recommend this book."

"Part mystery, part ghost story, part thriller. This story takes you on a wild ride into the unknown. The relationship between the two brothers, Tim and Eddie, was so complex and realistic it made a great backdrop for the investigation to unfold. Fast-paced and full of action, I was riveted until the end. Great story!"

"I read The Unearthed in one day...couldn't put it down (except to feed the dogs)! I have already ordered The Lost and am almost afraid to start it during the week; I probably wouldn't get any work done!"

"What a great read! I gulped this down in one night. The plot builds fast and was so intense I couldn't put it down. Fortunately, as soon as I thought I had it figured out there was a hair pin turn. And they kept coming! Nary a boring moment."

"Wow, great story with an ending no one will see coming."

"UNEARTHED is not just a frightening Supernatural, it's also a character study, and oddly, this aspect is probably what I enjoyed most."

****

ADDED BONUS: For the next month, I'm going to offer my humorous short story, Morale Was Down, for free to anyone that leaves me an honest review of The Unearthed or any of its sequels on Amazon.

EXCERPT - MORALE WAS DOWN

Morale is down. It’s always down, so relatively speaking it isn’t down. But it is down in the absolute sense.

Bitching is up. But like morale, it’s always up, so there again, you can’t say the bitching has increased.

The elevator brings you to your floor, the third.

You swipe your badge to gain access to the office. The clock on the wall actually says 7:06, but from your perspective, you could with a straight face believe it said 7:05. You write 7:05 on the sign-in sheet.

A minute here or there is okay. The company has screwed you over enough times in the past to justify this tiny theft. 

But you have to be smart about it. You can’t do this all the time. You have to steal minutes in dribs and drabs. That’s why Melissa-what’s-her-name-from-Operations was axed. She had Cory-with-the-mustache sign her in thirty minutes early every day. Cory wanted to bang Melissa, that is why he did it. But as always happens with these things, Melissa couldn’t keep her mouth shut, somebody told somebody else, and eventually the secret made its way to Stacy, the office gossip, who told everyone. Stacy meant to email her friend with the secret, but instead accidentally added the general office distribution list.

Melissa was fired.

Cory was fired.

And the poor bastard didn’t even get to bang her.

Last you heard, Melissa is enjoying her new job, working for one of the competitors, making more money, with more benefits, with better coffee, with fewer hours, and with a shorter commute.

That’s what the rumor mill always spits out about someone that has decamped: it is always for greener pastures, higher salaries and better quality of life.

Yes, things are always better somewhere else. The younger employees actually believe this myth. But you’ve worked at two other companies, so you know it isn’t true. Things are the same everywhere. 

Of course, every once in awhile, you imagine this Shangri-La where employees enjoy what they do and are paid accordingly and can climb the corporate ladder to the rung they aspire to.

You’ve started thinking about these things more seriously, ever since your minor promotion.

You head to the kitchen to drop your lunch off. You reach for the door to the fridge, but your hand stops in mid-air because there’s a new note on the door:

If you enjoyed my Stromboli on Friday and want to know where you can get another like it, come see Marvin.

Someone ate Marvin’s Stromboli?

Shit, that isn’t good. That isn’t good at all.

At least Marvin has shown a sense of humor about the theft by leaving that note on the fridge.

But you see, you’re a middle manager, which means a few things. You don’t have any real authority, though your team assumes you can move mountains. The people above you value your input, but they still think of you as a worker bee. The people below you see you as part of management. To your face, they exempt you from blame for the company’s oft-lamented faults and shortcomings. But behind your back, you know they lump you together with the higher-ups and blame you just as much. You know that because that’s exactly what you did when you were in their seats, not too long ago.

Being a middle manager also means one other thing. It’s your job to keep your team’s morale up.

The phone rings. You check the caller ID first. You always check the caller ID first to see if it’s a call you can let trickle its way into your voicemail. It’s so much easier listening to a voicemail than talking to a person. Who calls anymore? Only the people with complicated problems. Everyone else has the good sense to e-mail or IM.

But you can’t let this one go to voicemail, because the caller ID tells you it’s your boss. Or at least that the call is originating in your boss’s office. And you want her to know you’re in the office at 7:11 in the morning. It shows how dedicated an employee you are.

“Hey, Colleen,” you say. 

“Good morning. I was on your side and saw the note on the fridge.”

You’re not sure where this is going, but assuming the worst is always a good strategy when it comes to your boss. “I saw that too. Somebody must have eaten Marvin’s Stromboli Friday.”

“Yes, well…” She lowers her voice. “This isn’t the first time this has happened.”

How many times had someone else eaten Marvin’s Stromboli? And shouldn’t Marvin be taking more proactive steps to safeguard his lunch?

“It’s not?”

“That’s four complaints in the last month. We’ve got a series.”

A series? There is an awkward pause while you wait for Colleen to say more.

She doesn’t.

So you say, wisely, “Wow. What do you think we can do?” Is there even anything you can do?

“This is bad for morale. We need this to stop. I’ll send an email reminding everyone that they should not eat other people’s lunches.”

You don’t want to live in a world where that kind of email is remotely necessary. But there are no other worlds to live in.

You say, “Sounds good.”

“I need you to make inquiries. Discreet inquiries.”

“About what?”

“About the Stromboli,” she says, an edge to her voice.

“Oh. Okay. I can do that.”

“See what you can turn up.”

Turn up? “Sure, I’ll ask around.”

“Good. I want to know who did this by close of business.”

Ah, the dreaded C-O-B.

Colleen ends the call.

Normally, a direct order from a boss is reason enough to take action. But there are days when not even the threat of job loss can motivate you. Those days are usually Mondays. And often Fridays. And sometimes Thursdays, especially if there’s a happy hour scheduled. Tuesday you’re very productive, because you usually aren’t very productive on Mondays and you’ve got to make up for it. Wednesdays are hit or miss.

But anyway, today is Monday. So you’re already not feeling it. And then you think about the nice weekend you had. No, the great weekend you had. You spent it doing exactly what you wanted to do and you didn’t think about work once. You went to a movie and grabbed a few brews with your buds. You met a girl. You went for a jog. You finished a great book and started another one that had promise. So that makes this particular Monday even less palatable.

So that’s one reason why you can’t conjure up the energy to do this.

Another reason is you have to finish all that work you didn’t finish last week. Friday you gorged yourself on pizza at lunch and then spent the afternoon drooling in your office as you slowly came out of your self-induced carb coma.

And finally, probably the most important reason why you don’t have any interest in this assignment is that it’s just a pain in the ass. You’re not a detective, you don’t have access to a crime lab. You don’t even have any real authority to scare anybody into talking. And even if you did, you still wouldn’t catch the thief. You’ve read a lot. You know something like only 10% of all crimes are solved. This isn’t a Wallander novel. 

Those are all the reasons you don’t feel like doing it.

But you have to.

Just after you go through your morning routine.

You check your personal email and work email, in that order. You read the online sports page, even though you know what happened in last night’s NBA playoffs. You check to see what movies are opening this Friday, even though you already know which ones are because you’ve been waiting for one in particular. You’re tempted to test the boundaries of the work server’s firewall by opening some pictures your buddy emailed you last night. 

But you don’t click. You can’t. You know they can track this shit, and though your job can be irritating, you still need it.

You realize it’s already 8:13, and you spoke with your boss an hour ago. You close out non-work related things on your computer.

You stop in the bathroom. Your stall is taken. So you force yourself to use the near stall, the one nobody ever uses.

You recognize the designer sneakers on the floor in the stall next to you. It’s the Inconsiderate Cell Phone Guy. You hear him make a call while he’s blowing one out.

“Hello. I’d like to make a reservation for this evening.”

Really?

Inconsiderate Cell Phone Guy is for real. “No, no. 7:30 is no good. Could you do 7:15 instead?”

 Inconsiderate Cell Phone Guy is also Inconsiderate Customer Guy. What difference does fifteen minutes make?

“What kind of wine do you have?”

Alright, that’s it. Normally you keep your ass-roars to a minimum as a courtesy to fellow stall mates, but this guy is a douche bag. As he picks apart their wine selection while dropping a deuce, you let loose as loud as you can in the hopes it will make his call impossible.

But ICPG is unfazed. He continues his conversation with the restaurant manager.

You finish up and while you’re washing your hands, ICPG comes out of his stall, smug grin in place, and puts his phone away.

You don’t know him. He works for a different company down the hall. But still he gives you a smile like you’re friends.

“Guess what I just did? Made reservations for my wedding anniversary tonight and got a deal on their wine,” he says.

“Yeah, I know. I heard you. I was shitting right next to you.”

He frowns. “You were?”

****

Back in your office, you try to motivate yourself.

You think about morale. How would you feel if someone ate your lunch? And not just any lunch. You’re not talking about a ham sandwich hastily scrapped together in the mind-numbing early pre-work hours of the morning. You’re talking about a fucking Stromboli. Someone ordered that as take-out the night before. No, not someone, Marvin. 

Marvin came to work prepared to finish his Stromboli from the night before. And now you think about leftover food, especially of the Italian variety. You know it’s better the next day, almost always. You think about the last Stromboli you had. It was fucking delicious. How would you feel if someone had eaten it instead of you?

No, stop thinking about yourself, you selfish prick. Think about Marvin. He’s a good guy. Funny. Always smiling. He makes the people sitting in his row laugh a lot.

Who would do such a thing to Marvin? Maybe the theft wasn’t motivated at all by hatred, just by an empty stomach. Okay, good. You’re already starting to think like a detective. You think about motive for a moment, till you realize it’s fucking obvious why someone would eat someone else’s Stromboli: because Strombolis are fucking delicious.

But maybe there’s more to it. Maybe this was a planned attack on Marvin. Hell, maybe somebody didn’t even eat the Stromboli. Maybe they just threw it out because they wanted to fuck with Marvin.

There’s one way to test that theory. Look in the trash.

You smell the trash can before you even reach the kitchen.

You walk over and realize that, of course, the cleaning crew has already gotten rid of Friday’s trash and replaced it with a new bag. Though that leaves you wondering why the can smells so bad.

The evidence is gone. CSI can’t help you.

Which means you’ve got to do this the old-fashioned way. The Mike Hammer approach. Question, intimidate, get them to talk.

Or something.

****

You start with the victim. Marvin. Aged…you’re not supposed to know how old he is, because you’re not supposed to consider these things when you’re dealing with someone in an office environment. But of course you know he’s twenty-six. And of course you know his health is poor, and of course you know he’s a Catholic by birth, Presbyterian by choice. And of course you know his mother, relatively young at age sixty, is already in a home. And that he cheats on his long-suffering girlfriend…on second thought, maybe Marvin isn’t such a nice guy.

You keep all this in mind.

Marvin is a big dude. It’s not surprising that he would be eating a Stromboli for lunch, in other words. A silly thought crosses your mind and you dismiss it. There’s no way Marvin made up this story about a theft. Why would he?

Marvin does the quick-click of the mouse before you reach his cubicle, which means he was looking at non-work-related stuff and heard somebody coming. You used to do that and you still do it so you can’t blame him. 

“Marvin, I’m sorry to hear about your…” You let the sentence trail off to express your condolences.

Chin perpetually up, Marvin says, “Thanks. Maybe someone was cleaning out the fridge and just thought it was old.”

You squint, because that’s what the detectives do in movies. “Maybe.”

Marvin’s unnerved by your non-committal response. “You think someone ate it?”

You lean closer. “That’s what I’m going to find out.”

Marvin arches an eyebrow, impressed by what you’ve said. You can’t help but feel good about yourself. 

“So walk me through it,” you say.

Marvin does a double-take. “What do you mean?”

“Walk me through your day on Friday. When did you arrive, when did you put the Stromboli in the fridge, et cetera.”

“Oh.” Marvin adjusts how he’s sitting and thinks about it. “Jeez, every day seems so similar, you know what I mean?”

“Of course. But whatever you can think of.”

“I got in the usual time, around 8.”

(This is a lie. Marvin’s usual time is 8:30. You know this because you check the sign-in logs. You also know that Marvin has a habit of signing in first, then running to Wawa to get breakfast so he doesn’t really start his day until closer to 8:50.)

He is still talking. “So I went right to the fridge to put my food in there.”

“What part of the fridge did you use?”

“Part? Jeez. I think it was the second from bottom shelf, to the left. Oh, and I pushed it all the way to the back, because it’s colder back there. I wanted that thing icy when I ate it. Swear to God that Strombolis and pizza are so much better the next day, after they’ve been sitting in the fridge. Know what I mean?”

“You bet your ass I know what you mean.”

Marvin chuckles. “Anyway, yeah, I put it in at 8.”

“Was it in a bag?”

“A plastic grocery bag. From Giant, I think.”

“Color?” You should be writing this all down you realize.

“You know the weird khaki color?”

“Yeah.” You picture it. You’ve put your frozen pizza in bags just like that. It could have happened to you. It could have happened to anyone. That bastard thief. And to think this could be part of a series…

“Okay, not the weird khaki kind. This one was the yellow kind.”

You wonder why Marvin didn’t just say the yellow kind to begin with, but you’re on a roll with the questions and you don’t stop. “When did you realize it was missing?”

“This is embarrassing…I noticed around 9:30.”

It takes you a moment to realize why it might be embarrassing. 

Marvin continues, “I didn’t have any breakfast, so I was real hungry by 9:30. And you know, I’ve gotta feed the gut.”

Marvin rubs his beach ball stomach.

“Did you talk to anyone about it?”

“I asked around.”

“Who’d you ask?”

“Well, not ask, so much as make comments.”

“Who did you make these comments to?”

“Everybody in the row here.” Marvin gestures vaguely with his hand. “Everybody else probably heard too.”

Everybody else probably did hear, because Marvin’s inside voice is very loud.

“Okay, Marvin, one last thing. Do you have enemies here? Anyone who might want to hurt you?” You can’t think of anyone, aside from Tony. Tony is a lot like Marvin: he’s the comedian on the other side of the office space. They are very much alike, so it’s not surprising they don’t get along.

“No, not anybody.”

You want to ask, but what about Tony? But that would be feeding the witness and from what you know about police procedure, that wouldn’t be good.

But you’re not a cop, are you? So you can play by your own rules. Just like Philip Marlowe. “What about Tony?”

“Tony?” Marvin chuckles. “No, we’re cool.”

“Did anybody say anything to you about it?”

“Just how sorry they were.”

“I’m sorry too, Marvin. I’m sorry too.”

You begin to walk away but think about what other detectives would do. The first one you can think of is Columbo.

“Hey, Marvin, just one more thing,” you say.

He waits for you to ask him something. You don’t know what to ask him.

He regards you with suspicion. “What?”

“What did you…end up doing for lunch?” 

“Uh…I guess I went out.”

“Where’d you go?”

“I uh…where did I go?” He thinks about it. The days spent in an office run together and blend seamlessly. “I ate at the mall.”

****

You retreat to your office. You really should have been writing all that down, so you scramble to find a pad of paper and pen before you forget anything. 

Between the hours of 8 and 9:30, a yellow—not khaki—plastic grocery bag containing one Stromboli was stolen from the refrigerator on your side of the building.

You think about how many people there are in the office. Around forty-five? That leaves forty-three suspects, because you know Marvin didn’t do it and you know you didn’t do it.

And Colleen, your boss, she probably didn’t do it. And also Vanessa, the health nut, she wouldn’t have taken it. And…you realize you’re profiling here but as long as you profile everybody it’s okay…Louis wouldn’t have done it because he only eats gluten free stuff, and there’s no way that Stromboli was gluten free. At least you don’t think so. You don’t really know what gluten is and so you search for an explanation online and before you know it, twenty-six minutes later, you’re on Wikipedia reading about fucking marsupials and somewhere along the way you find out that zoologists have a difficult time getting pandas to mate in captivity. You have no idea how you got to marsupials from gluten but you don’t have time to figure it out because you already wasted a half hour.

You go back to your head count. Excluding Marvin, yourself, Colleen, Vanessa, and Louis, you’re down to forty suspects. You probably shouldn’t eliminate these people so easily, but you’ve got to get this done by COB. It’s important. It’ll be good for fucking morale.

That still seems like a lot of people to question. There has to be a better way to go about this.

How then to whittle down the suspects?

You think about the board game Guess Who, which you used to play when you were a kid.  That doesn’t really help.

Then you ask yourself who could have taken the Stromboli. Who had the opportunity?

Only the people here between the hours of 8 and 9:30.

You race to the front desk, the thrill of the hunt now getting the adrenaline pumping. You grab the sign-in book and flip back to Friday’s log. You realize you haven’t brought your pad of paper with you to write down the names, so you have to go back to your desk and get it.

You really have to remember to bring the pad with you everywhere you go.

You jot the names down of the people who signed in between 8 and 9:30. There are nineteen on your list.

You realize someone’s standing behind you, waiting to sign in. It’s Stacy, the office gossip, your one-time girlfriend. She’s wearing her hair up, like usual, and is chewing gum. She smells like cigarettes, which sometimes is a turn-on and sometimes a turn-off. You don’t know why.

“Hey did you hear about Marvin’s lunch?” she asks.

You remember to squint. “Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. But I guess you have.”

You realize you’re not making sense but you can’t let on you realize that.

Stacy looks at you sideways.  “Ye—ah.”

“What did you hear?”

“Kim told me that Corey saw Tony near our fridge yesterday morning. Which is weird, you know, because Tony doesn’t even sit on our side.”

“Hmm. Hear anything else?”

“Everyone is complaining about it, it’s not good for morale.”

You decide to talk tough. “Nothing’s good for morale.”

She eyes you strangely. “Then, someone, I don’t remember who, saw Marvin eating in his car around lunch time. He never does that. He usually sprawls all his food out on the table so no one else can sit with him. You know, because he has so much food, you know.”

You remember why you broke it off with Stacy over a year ago. Deep down, she is a good person. She volunteers at a soup kitchen. But she always has to make these catty comments about people. A stray insult here or there can be funny, but when they become voluminous, it gets to be a little mean-spirited and petty for your tastes.

“What else did you hear?” you ask.

“What’s it worth to you?” she asks, hip to the game and playing along with you now.

You don’t have time for this femme fatale crap. “What’s your job worth to you?”

She folds her arms and puts more of her weight on one leg. “Excuse me?”

You realize you probably went too far. But justice has to be served.

Before you can say this, though, Stacy says, “You know, you interrogating people isn’t good for morale either. I won’t name names, but there are a lot of people around here this close to quitting. You know most of us could get a better job with any one of our competitors. Then where would the company be?”

You don’t answer her question. Instead, you say, “Keep this conversation between us.”

She wears a puzzled expression as you leave.

"This is, without a doubt, the most profane and utterly hilarious short story I've read in a very long time."

This quote comes from the latest 5 star review of my short story, Morale Was Down.

Big shout-out to Birdie Tracy! Thanks for:

-giving a new author a chance
-taking the time to leave such thoughtful reviews
-giving me the opportunity to connect with a reader

My WTF Writer's Moment

Once upon a time, someone stole my lunch out of the office refrigerator. Whether they ate it or not, I have no idea. It was such an absurd experience (who would steal someone's lunch?), I thought it the perfect anecdote to capture the essence of office life. So being a writer, I naturally cashed that experience in to use as a premise and then drew from my time in Corporate America to populate the rest of the story. Just to make things a little more interesting, I wrote the story in the second person.

The end result? Morale Was Down.

This 11,000 word short story will normally be priced at $0.99 on Amazon. However, I am offering it for free on 10/23 and 10/24.

Fair warning if you've read my paranormal thriller series, The Unearthed: this short story is quite a departure from those books. Morale Was Down is meant to be a little tongue-in-cheek, a tribute to the bumbling detective story, and a comedic reflection on the daily grind.

And yet, most of the events in this story actually occurred in real life. So while it may seem silly at times, it has a very solid basis in reality. For example, I've known no less than three dudes that talk on their cell phones while they're in the men's room doing their business.

At 11,000 words, this is a quick read that every Corporate American can appreciate. If you give it a try, please leave me an honest review and if so inclined feel free to share your own crazy office stories. The old saying is spot-on, truth is stranger than fiction.